Well..... I believe that I have belonged to the Lord since, I don't know....birth? It sure seems like we have been walking hand-in-hand (or crawling side-by-side) since before I can remember. But, there was definitely a defining moment in my life, a moment that would change me forever.
It was on July 26, 1983 (tears are welling up as I type). A hot and humid 104° day. I was just a barley-13-year-old girl, full of life and loving spending time with my friends, going to the pool everyday, riding my bike all over my small town and just being a teenager. My dad was the love of my life, my best friend, my Prince Charming, my world. Then there was Rocky. Yes, Sylvester Stallone... I had been very, VERY eager to see this movie and one day I was invited to my friend's sister's house around the corner from my home. You see, they had just gotten Showtime and Rocky was about to come on the screen!! (We'll come back to that in a bit).
My dad had come home from work that day and I was lying on the floor in front of the stereo listening to my beloved Ricky Skaggs "Highways and Heartaches" cassette tape. Dad came in the backdoor and said, "Neen, I'm going up to Terry's to get the van aligned". Those words would come to haunt me for the next year. (Tears again). He left and some time later I made my way around the corner on my bike to my friend's to watch Rocky.
I walked into the house just as the movie was coming on, sat down on the couch and stood straight back up and said to my friend, Becky, "I have to go home". She grabbed my arm and pulled me back down, reminding me how much I had been wanting to see this movie. Five minutes later, an uncontrollable urge came over me to hurry home. I jumped up, went out the door and peddled as fast as I could toward my house. I don't know what this urgency was. An Angel? My dad's spirit? God? But, someone was trying to tell me something.
As I arrived at the end of my driveway, I saw my elderly neighbor, Mrs. Alcorn, turning around and walking to her house. Behind her was my dad lying in the driveway close to the side of the house. I threw my bike down and ran to him somewhat chuckling as I thought, "You silly, what are you doing?" You see, my dad was a jokester, always doing something to make us laugh. But, as I reached him I could see clearly that this was no joke. He was blue in the face with his eyes open, looking at nothing. (I'm amazed at how much this still affects my emotions). I shook him violently begging him to wake up. He did not. I ran to Mrs. Alcorn who had not reached her front door yet. She came with me to my house and ran in to call the ambulance. I ran back outside to find a strange man performing CPR. This man drove a white car but that is all I remember. My 17-year-old neighbor, Todd, from across the street came running over and took over with the CPR. It was a very unpleasant sight to me. I was very frightened. Soon the ambulance arrived and a friend of my parents came. So many people had heard the news on their scanners and came running. My dad was a beloved member of our community. As the paramedics worked on my dad, Todd comforted me. I will never forget that and I will be forever grateful for his caring arms that held me.
The man in the white car left and we never were able to thank him. My dad was loaded into the ambulance and the family friend loaded me into her car and away we went to the hospital. I don't remember the drive. I just remember sitting in a small room in the emergency department waiting....waiting....waiting and then, the doctor came in. He said that there was nothing they could do and that it was probably a massive heart attack. My best friend was gone. Gone.
My life had become a blur. I seemed to wonder aimlessly. I was angry at times. My family seemed to have abandoned me because I was never asked how I was doing and I was made to feel that my feelings were not valid. That I should "just get over it". My mom went to work full-time. But then there was my brother. On the night of the viewing, he stopped me outside the back door and he said to me, "I'm going to be your dad now. Whatever you need, I will be there for you". My "new" Knight in Shining Armor.
For the next year, I faced a recurring nightmare where I was lying in the floor listening to my Ricky Skaggs tape but this time my dad came in and said, "Neen, I'm having a heart attack, call the ambulance". I would run to the phone, dad would sit down in his chair and I would make the call. I would hang up the phone, turn around and find my dad slumped over, dead, in his chair at the kitchen table. I would then wake up, startled and very upset.
One day, after a particularly upsetting incident involving a classmate who kept telling me he was certain that he saw my dad walking up my driveway and me not being able to spit out the words that my dad was dead, I became angry and stormed back into the school building from lunch. A teacher witnessed this incident. I was in my English class when my History and homeroom teacher, Mr. Harlow, came tapping on the door asking to speak with me and I followed him to the guidance counselor's office. We sat down and with deep concern in his eyes he said to me words I will never forget, "When I was 13, my dad died too". I don't know if anything else was said, I just don't remember. Both of us broke into tears and my life turned a new course. From that point on, I knew someone cared and the healing was about to begin. I am forever indebted to Mr. Harlow. He just doesn't know how he changed my life.
Unfortunately, my recurring nightmare continued night-after-night. The same scenario over and over. But, then one night I had had enough. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was afraid to go to bed. So, in desperation I got on my knees, crying my heart out to God, asking him to take the dream away. I know that this is when my relationship with the Lord became more real than it had ever been. I was His and He was mine. After praying for a time, I got into bed and fell asleep. I began dreaming again but this time it was different. In this dream I was at my school in the same hallway as the payphone that I spent so much time dialing. There were friends and relatives sitting on the steps that led to our middle school auditorium. Next to the window was a casket with my dad's lifeless body inside. Strangely, he had a red handkerchief laying over his face. He sneezed and blew the handkerchief off. Everyone in the room froze by me and him. He got up out of the casket, walked over and sat down beside me. Putting his arm around my shoulders he said, "Now, Neen, dry it up. I am still here. I will always take care of you. You need to move on with your life". After this, I never had that nightmare again and I was finally finding peace. God delivered me.
It has been many years since I was that 13-year-old daddy's girl. At this writing, I am almost 42. There are not many days that go by that I don't think about my dad and miss him. I will love him the rest of my life and into eternity. He taught me what true love is and I often think, "If my earthly father loved me that much, how much more does my Father in Heaven love me?" My dad gave me a gift that keeps on giving.
I have struggled over the years to find peace and through it all my Savior, Jesus Christ, has walked with me and many times has carried me. We have a love together that has no match. He is my best friend and will always be. It is a relationship that I want to share with everyone and I tell people of His love every chance I get. My life was changed because of what He did on the cross, to save me from my sin so that I may someday go to Heaven to live with Him throughout all eternity. And some sweet day, not only will I see my Savior face-to-face but I will see my dad. You just can't beat that. <3 <3 <3
